AzureDragoonGX 2020-08-20 21:24:31

Nice to be back, eh? :)

Before we get into Zip's reminiscence perhaps a small comedic moment in which Keni and/or Rash are trying on the new equipment that Mazurek is making. Perhaps Keni is less than pleased with one of them and tosses it at Mazurek, who flawlessly dodges and looks disappointed with him.

Perhaps there might be a better transition for Zip opening his eyes and returning to the present, too? For instance, maybe Zip or Mazurek asks Havoc what he might be planning on using the newly-ordered equipment for, in which Havoc presents a binder to them. As Zip bows forward to focus on the writing (with Havoc's unintelligible explanations fading out in the audio), it zooms in on his face and then zooms out to show him again in the present.

And if you will take me up on the armor antics, perhaps one more tossing of gear lands close to the two of them, which they will notice with exasperation.

Cyberdevil 2020-08-21 06:17:00

Nice. :) A few potential grammatical improvements if you like...

"They have delivered the tools that you ordered" or "They've delivered the tools that you ordered"

Also think "Who called?" would sound more natural as "Who was it?"

AzureDragoonGX 2020-08-21 22:10:01

@Animetion24 @Mejson @MariogD Alright, how about this:

1. The camera shows Mazurek (for 5s), who is making armor - he hits with a hammer (there are other tools on the workbench). A helmet/gauntlet/kneepad flies across the screen and lands aside Mazurek, who notices it. He then looks towards where it came from, notices another flying offscreen towards him, and he ducks to avoid it. The camera shifts over to Keni and Rash continuing to try on armor and taking it off while causing the ruckus, which Mazurek squints his eyes in disappointment to.

7.5. Mazurek: "What do you intend to do with this gear?" He asks Havoc. Havoc: "Well take a look at this..." Havoc turns back to a bookshelf and pulls out a binder. With it in hand, he walks to them and opens it up. "We might like to reverse the polarity on the current wands..." The explanation turns into muffled distortion as Zip and Mazurek bow forward to look at the content of the binder. The camera zooms on Zip's concentrated face, leading to 8. where it zooms out to present Zip's face as he is rising up.

10. Another armor piece lands next to Mazurek and Zip. They both take notice and look back at the perps - Rash and Keni. The camera shifts back at them one more time and Rash is seen wearing a new helmet. Keni decides to test it by whacking him over the head, which protects competently.

Mejson 2020-08-24 03:06:36

I updated this scene and added dialogues:

Mazurek: "What do you intend to do with this gear?"
Havoc: "I would like to check something more in my project"
Mazurek: "You mean 'our' project?"
Havoc: "Yeah, our project"

What do you think about it?

As for the armor situations / actions (Mazurek, Keni and Rash) - in the next scene. I believe there is enough in this scene. There are to be 12 scenes planned, so something has to be left for the next ones. :)

AzureDragoonGX 2020-08-24 14:12:24

@Mejson That sounds good.

And cool, that would be appreciated. :D