ChordC 2021-09-17 10:43:13

Glad to have helped you in the dialogue, I’ll see if there’s any feedback from @animetion24

AzureDragoonGX 2021-09-18 13:13:14

1-4 - Great opener, no changing here, save for dialogue updates below. I reserved Delsin’s opening lines to one curse; as a scout, Delsin has to be more than a little lenient to troubling updates to his current situation. It’s why he has strong nerves fit for one who often goes behind enemy lines and not get caught.

5-6 - “after chili?” Like calming down? Otherwise dialogue.

7 - After MariogD comments on it, shouldn’t Delsin go about cleaning off the blood on him, particularly if it his his face and arms? Otherwise good and dialogue.

8-9 - Good to go, save for dialogue.

10-12 - Also fine. Maybe I’d add Delsin and MariogD catching up to Bill on the same leaf, where Delsin would then produce the map and begin drawing. Bill might also comment to Delsin: “Don’t jot down that moment!” When mentioning the aphids.

Dialogue:
Delsin: "God dammit!" -> "Goddamn..."

Delsin: "For fuck's sake!" -> "Just what I need."

Bill: "The hell you're doing?" -> "The Hell are you doing?!"

Bill: "It's dead already!"

MariogD: "It moved!"

Bill: "Moron..." -> "Dumbass..."

Bill: "C’mon People!” -> "We're moving, people!"

MariogD: "It's not exactly your color" -> "That's not quite your color."

Delsin: "You don't say"

MariogD: "GAHH... Disgusting!"

Delsin: "It's definitely your color" -> "That's definitely your color."

Bill: "Are you done, lovers?" -> "Done over there, lovebirds?"

Bill: "Have you seen this?"

Bill: "Delsin, come and update the map!" -> "Delsin, bring that map here!"

Bill: <Sound of disgust>

Bill: "Fucking bugs!"

(Bill: "Don't jot down that moment!")

Cyberdevil 2021-10-04 07:55:31

Bill starting to come across as less friendly a character with this one, hope that's intentional, I suppose there might be some kind of confrontation between him and Mejson later on...

It sounds good, don't think I can see anything to fix here either.