ChordC 2021-09-27 07:30:37

Bill was da best camper… rip

MariogD 2021-09-27 15:38:30

What a scene. I think it will be the longest in our history. Good work @Mejson and @ChordC

AzureDragoonGX 2021-09-27 16:18:05

This scene is indeed long, but it's also very good. I don't really have any revisions to make on it - only a possible addition, plus dialogue.

Since the survivors are dealing with a spider, perhaps we could see a little bit of "web action?" (I've been seeing a good deal of Maguire's Spider-Man lately...). Either in Scene 14, where MariogD is denied further cover fire to aid Bill because the spider shot his webs up there, prompting him to duck, or in Scene 15 when the spider turns away from Bill to both protect its remaining eyes while also pivoting its spinneret at Bill to shoot at him, perhaps at his foot to prevent him from running and make him vulnerable to another tackle?

Dialogue:

MariogD: "I'm the fastest!"

MariogD: "I’m not just shooting arrows..." -> "I don't just shoot arrows..."

MariogD: "I make a rain of arrows!" -> "I make it rain with arrows!"

Delsin: "That’s cool, but…" -> "That's great and all, but..."

Delsin: "That creepy-crawly’s not that impressed..." -> "That creepy-crawly's too dense to get your point across." (Some double-layering to that joke, if you get me)

MariogD: "At least it doesn't take me all day to reload!" -> "When it's a job for the slow-ass snail, I'll let you know."/"At least I don't take a week to get ready!" (1st statement is more or less a counter-joke; the 2nd is something more akin to your original line. You can pick either... Or neither too ^^)

Delsin: "Here we are!"

MariogD: "Hold on, I can take care of this!"

Bill: "The fuck?!"

Bill: "Yea, climb faster you fat-ass!" -> "Yeah, you needed the head start anyways!"/"Could you at least climb like there's donuts up there for you, fatass?"

MariogD: "Holy shit...."

MariogD: "Look out!"

Bill: "Huuuh?!"

Bill: "Holy Shit!"

Diablo: <groans upon impact>

MariogD: "Nooo!!!"

MariogD: "Fuck! It’s not working!"

Bill: "Fuck off!"

Bill: "I'm ready this time, asshole!"

Bill: <Deep breath>

MariogD: "Die!"

Bill: "It's dead already..."

Bill: "Help me out, you idiot!" -> "Help out already, idiot!"

MariogD: "Don't move or you'll hurt yourself"

MariogD: "You alright?"

Bill: "Of course I'm alright"

Mejson: "We lost another one…"

MariogD: "He was a good man"

Mejson: "I never knew the guy, but still…"

MariogD: "Don't blame yourself..."

Mejson: "Sometimes I thought so…" -> "Nobody that does know him are aware he's dead now."

(MariogD: "That means we must live to let them know. Know the truth.") (Consider adding this line to kickstart the team's newfound attempt to put purpose back into Mejson's life and reinvigorate his morale with something worth fighting for. Mejson would reflect for a moment, which would be disturbed by Delsin's next line)

Delsin: "Something is moving there" -> "Something's moving over there!"

Delsin: "Hey! You see that over there?" -> "Do you see that, guys?"

Bill: "Fuck..."

Mejson 2021-09-28 07:42:29

Mejson: "Sometimes I thought so…" -> "Nobody that does know him are aware he's dead now."

@Animetion24, in Mejson's statement, we meant that he blamed himself for Diablo's death. His family is dead now - Jimmy was his brother. They have no one else. Maybe Mejson should say, "At least he's with his brother now..."

(MariogD: "That means we must live to let them know. Know the truth.") (Consider adding this line to kickstart the team's newfound attempt to put purpose back into Mejson's life and reinvigorate his morale with something worth fighting for. Mejson would reflect for a moment, which would be disturbed by Delsin's next line)

And MariogD should reply: "Yea, Jimmy and Diablo are in a better place now..."

@Animetion24, what do you think about it?

AzureDragoonGX 2021-09-28 09:52:06

@Mejson I'm understanding better. Thanks for the elaboration.

Yeah, the revision to acknowledge Jimmy in the conversation sounds excellent.

Cyberdevil 2021-10-04 08:05:25

Really getting intense now! Long but good, and wonder what'll happen to Bill...