Mejson 2021-10-05 09:07:01

I feel like more dialogue needs to be added when the camera shows Candy. Then it should be hear (a bit quieter) like Mejson and Mr Mate and then MariogD react to Bill's faint / they check what happened to him / try to wake him up.

Do you think so too? :P

Cyberdevil 2021-10-05 10:31:31

It does sound like the perfect distraction (for the plot progression) to have a little background exclamation in particular when Candy brings out the spider egg, Everybody paying attention to Bill instead, even the vigilant Delsin. Some "what happened? are you alright? what's going on?" in the distance?

One bit of dialog I think could be improved, with the: "Yea… why’d you ask?". Mejson looks down at the ground lowering his hand and says: "Nothing" ...maybe "Nevermind" or "No reason" instead of Nothing?

Also the forty mercenaries bit... forty mercenaries?! That's a looot of mercenaries.

Hard to grasp Bill's character lately hmm. He seems nicer this time again.

Nice part. Really a lot of things going on with this one. Plenty of surprises.

Mejson 2021-10-05 11:00:35

Dialogue (part with Candy) when the campfire (other heroes) is off-screen:

Mejson: "What happened?"
Mr Mate: "I don't know... he just... collapsed"
Mejson: "Bill, what's the matter with you?"
Mejson: "Bill?!"
MariogD: "What are you doing?"
MariogD: "Why is he on the ground?"
Mejson: "I don't know!"
MariogD: "Bill, can you hear me?!"
MariogD: "What's wrong with you?!"
MariogD: "Say something!"

SayMeBott 2021-10-05 12:20:33

Woah! This is my time! :D

- 8. in my opinion 'or-or', never 'both'
- 18. "Rest in pieces" - there is no mistake? Is this a special trick?
- There always was 'Bott*' no 'Bott' :P

MariogD 2021-10-05 12:52:55

@Mejson - @SayMeBott and @ChordC are right. You have to choose one in 8.
IMO it should be 'rest in peace'
We know that is Bott* but it should be pronounce without * at the end. Is it only for written purpose?

MariogD 2021-10-05 12:54:15

Woah! It is even longer that earlier. For me scene is fantastic. Can't wait to see it.

MariogD 2021-10-05 12:54:42

@Mejson I like so much there off-screen dialogues. Perfect idea!

MariogD 2021-10-05 12:56:52

Mejson: "What the Fack?!"
Should it be 'what the fuck'?

MariogD 2021-10-05 12:58:29

Ok I understand that @ChordC (Mr. Mate) will be a killer man but forty is quite big number. I don't know maybe dozen will be more realistic?

SayMeBott 2021-10-05 13:56:26

@MariogD this star ' * ' at the end is obligatory. Its Bott* in written, and Bot in speech.

SayMeBott 2021-10-05 15:59:23

@MariogD @Mejson That's right, Im little princess! :3

Mejson 2021-10-05 16:50:10

"I dealt with half of them before they caught me" (add / or) "They thought they could handle me easily!"

I will be inclined to 2 because I don't want to say how many he killed / defeated because it will be shown (dream - Mr. Mate's flashback).

Cyberdevil 2021-10-05 18:06:00

If you do opt for just one of those it feels like "I dealt with half of them before they caught me" probably explains the situation more, maybe the other line's not so necessary if there's no room for it.

Nice additional dialog too for the final part.

Sounds perfect. :)

AzureDragoonGX 2021-10-06 10:19:35

Another great scene too. I don't have any revisions except for dialogue.

Bill: "This is heavy"

Mejson: "Watch out!"

Bill: "Okay, okay..."

Mejson: "Careful!"

Bill: "Careful..."

Mejson: "I think that's the agent"

Bill: "Yes, that's him"

Mr. Mate: <deep breath>

Mr. Mate: "Holy shit!"

Mr. Mate: "EEKKK! That’s gross!"

Mejson: "What happened?"

Mr. Mate: "That asshole sent dozen mercenaries for one guy!" -> "That asshole sent a dozen mercenaries to kill one guy!"

Mr. Mate: "I dealt with half of them before they caught me" + "They thought they could handle me easily!" -> "I took out half of them before I was cornered." (I too don't think the 2nd half is necessary if the 1st half exposits more details about what went down, telling us that Mr. Mate is pretty formidable and shouldn't be underestimated.)

Bill: "Nice!" -> "Not too shabby!"

Mejson: "How did you end up in that coffin?"

Mr. Mate: "It’s that fucking spider! The one he experimented on!"

Mejson: "Yes… we lost a man because of this abomination" -> "Yeah. We lost a good man to that abomination."

Mr. Mate: "My condolences"

Mr. Mate: "Can you get this thing off of me?" -> "Now, can you get this thing off of me?"

Mejson: "Of course!"

Mr. Mate: "Appreciate it" -> "Much appreciated."

Mejson: "Get him something to eat"

Bill: "Okay, come here" -> "Alright, come here."

Mejson: "Now who do we have here?"

Mejson: "You alive?" -> "Are you alive?"

Mejson: "What do we have here?" -> "What might this be?"

Bott*: "What are you doing with my Shevy?"

Mejson: "Whaaat?"

Bott*: "Are you okay my darling?"

Mejson: "Are you okay?"

Bott*: "Yea... I'm just a little tired" -> "Yeah. Just need to catch my breath."

Mejson: "Okaaay"

Bott*: "Shhh, it's ok my love. Everything will be just fine" -> "Shh, all is well my dear. Everything will be just fine."

Mejson: "Are you sure... you're okay?"

Bott*: "Yea… why’d you ask?"

Mejson: "No reason"

MariogD: "It will be so tasty!"

Mejson: "What the fuck?!"

Mejson: "This one’s not so lucky…" -> "This one wasn't so lucky..."

Mejson: "Rest in pieces" -> "Rest in peace."

Bott*: "My beloved Shevy"

Mr. Mate: "What's the matter, dude?" -> "Hey, you alright?"

Mejson: "What happened?"

Mr. Mate: "I don't know... he just... collapsed"

Mejson: "Bill, what's the matter with you?" -> "Bill, what's going on?"

Mejson: "Bill?!"

MariogD: "What are you doing?"

MariogD: "Why is he on the ground?"

Mejson: "I don't know!"

MariogD: "Bill, can you hear me?!"

MariogD: "What's wrong with you?!"

MariogD: "Say something!"

SayMeBott 2021-10-06 11:08:29

@Animetion24 I like this suggestions - sounds more.. eee... spontaneous? No matter, I like them anyway.

Mejson 2021-10-07 06:15:13

I'm closing and approving this scene!

Cyberdevil 2021-10-15 06:26:14

Heeey it's been a while now, wonder if everything's alright? Just busy with work?

ChordC 2021-10-15 07:44:19

@Cyberdevil hey there, I have been busy with college work, things have calmed down a bit today, so I think I can talk with @Mejson today. Hope things are going well with you as well @Cyberdevil

Cyberdevil 2021-10-15 07:47:11

Good to hear. :) After the so very frequent updates before this you just start to wonder. Take your time! Ahh no lyrics about Reduce yet no, but it is noted. XD Maybe next week!

Cyberdevil 2021-10-15 07:48:39

@ChordC Good to hear. :) It's alright here too, has been a little hectic earlier but I think I'm starting to catch up with the important stuff. Looking forward to seeing what you come up with regarding the dialog!