MariogD 2021-11-11 16:40:49

@Mejson it is definetely the longest scene so far. We have to try make next ones a little shorter.

To sum up, scene fine, we develop Mejson illess, Mate & Mejson friedship and Mr Mate fighting skills. Time to go to scene 9.

AzureDragoonGX 2021-11-11 19:59:54

Hey all, I am lagging a bit on the narration and voices, lost track of time, but I should be able to cover ground starting on Sunday.

In the meantime, I can probably look into this scene tomorrow.

ChordC 2021-11-12 07:44:20

Mejson: "What happened here?" ==> “What the hell happened here?”

Mr. Mate: "Isn't it obvious?... The fauna demanded its own..." ==> “Nature took back its land…” or “I guess they also need a shelter…” ==> After some correction: “Mother nature took back her land…”

Mr. Mate: "We have to take them down" ==> We gotta take’em down”

Mr. Mate: "Well... eye" ==> “Or should I say…eye…open”

Mejson: "Let's go..." ==> “Very funny, let’s go…”

Mr. Mate: "We're not at the picnic" ==> “We’re not having a picnic”

Mr. Mate: "Ok, are you ready?" ==> “Ok, you ready?”

Mejson: "Behind you..." ==> “Right behind you…”

Mr. Mate: "We've taken down all of them" ==> “Targets neutralized”

Mejson: "This backflip really was necessary, wasn't it?" ==> “was that backflip necessary?” Other option: "You really had to do that, didn't you?"

Mejson: "How are we gonna get there?" ==> “Maybe not extremely, but… How are we gonna get there?”

Mejson 2021-11-12 09:09:19

Mejson: "What happened here?" ==> "What the hell happened here?" - OK

Mr. Mate: "Isn't it obvious?... The fauna demanded its own..." ==> "Isn't it obvious?... Mother nature took back her land…" - Mix version

Mr. Mate: "We have to take them down" ==> "We gotta take’em down" - OK

Mr. Mate: "Well... eye" - This is a humorous sentence from the game, this is how it should stay :P

Mejson: "Let's go..." ==> Mejson: "Very funny" & Mejson: "Let's go..." - OK

Mr. Mate: "We're not at the picnic" ==> "We’re not having a picnic" - OK

Mr. Mate: "Ok, are you ready?" ==> "Ok, you ready?" - OK

Mejson: "Behind you..." ==> "Right behind you…" - OK

Mr. Mate: "We've taken down all of them" ==> "Targets neutralized" - Expansion of the situation

Mejson: "This backflip really was necessary, wasn't it?" ==> "Was that backflip really necessary?" - OK

Mejson: "How are we gonna get there?" ==> "Maybe not extremely, but… how are we gonna get there?" - OK

Cyberdevil 2021-11-12 13:01:32

This really was a long one! :D Wonder what the runtime'll be...

Good scene.

A couple suggestions on the dialog:

"Fuck off! > maybe something a bit less harsh here? Was surprised Mejson reacted that way there - seemed like the cheetah thing was more like a combined compliment/joke? Maybe 'very funny'?

shall we breakfast? > shall we have/eat breakfast?

AzureDragoonGX 2021-11-12 14:03:39

1-2. - Good to go.

3-4. - Got some dialogue corrections, see next comment(s). Also, perhaps after Mr. Mate retorts comically at the joke Mejson made, he pushes on the latter's shoulder, much like Keni did with Mazurek in "Pass of Time"? I think it represents the more physical, aggressive nature of Mr. Mate, while still being approachable.

5-6. - Good to go.

7. - Perhaps when Steve appears, the background will change as you say, but it also begins zooming in on Mejson's ear area. Then, when it stops zooming, Steve's mouth swoops in close and whispers to Mejson his lines? It further shows Mejson's mind losing its distinction between reality and thoughts, while also keeping levity pretty high. It also shows that Mejson's psyche is getting worse as a result of the transition from observation to hallucination is becoming more and more seamless.

Alternatively, when the background changes, Mejson continues to walk, but is pushed back by Steve, who warps right in front of him. The mere fact that thoughts are physically restraining him similarly can get the point across.

8. Since you're most likely going to use the behind the head talk in 7., perhaps we can put a little variety on this one? Like Steve slings his arm over Mejson's shoulders and points toward Mr. Mate's direction with his free arm?

9-17. - Good to go.

18. - Do we have an idea of which sort of beetle were talking about here? Scarab? Stag? I know the next few bulletpoints make it moot as Mr. Mate kills them with ease but we might want to keep in mind the insects that are introduced.

19-21. - Good to go.

22-23. - Maybe at one point after Mejson reaffirms to Steve that Mr. Mate is the one, Steve may try to take a piece of his roast meat? Mejson at first retracts his hand defensively, only to double-take between his food and the thought of Steve, making him realize he did that by instinct for nothing. Steve then smiles at the silent joke and disappears, leading to 23.

24-28. - Good to go.

29-30. - Also good to go.

31. - Got a dialogue alternative here. Perhaps Mr. Mate could also say "Keep an eye out?" before remembering Mejson only has one eye to keep out. "Right..." He says, leading to Mejson sighing then saying "It's out."

32-34. - Good to go.

35. - "the protagonist?" As in Mr. Mate? I suppose so as Mejson was confirmed in the next sentence not to have done anything but watch. Just making sure.

36-39. - Good to go.

AzureDragoonGX 2021-11-12 14:05:08

Mejson: "So what's your plan?" -> "So what's the plan?"

Mejson: "Mate, I can't do a frontflip with this thing on my back" -> "Note, I can't somersault while lugging this thing.

Mr. Mate: "You would've done so without it?" -> "So just like when you don't have it on your back?"

Mejson: "Okay, now seriously... What's your plan?" -> "Really now, what's the plan?"

Mejson: "Mate?"

Mejson: "Where the Hell did you go?!"

Mr. Mate: "Pssst! Over here..."

Mejson: "But?... But?... How?!"

Mr. Mate: "I'm like a shadow..." -> "I'm one with the shadows."

Mejson: "Suuure..."

Mejson: "And me?" -> "What about me?"

Mr. Mate: "Hold on a sec"

Mr. Mate: "Ready?"

Mr. Mate: "Like a cheetah!" -> "Practically a cheetah."

Mejson: "Fuck off!"

Steve: "You busy?"

Mejson: "No, it's cool. What's up?"

Steve: "Is that your new boyfriend?"

Mejson: "Very funny..."

Steve: "Cheer up old friend, it's a wonderful day today!" -> "Cheer up, old pal! It's a lovely day!"

Mejson: "Uh-huhm..."

Mejson: "What do you want?"

Steve: "This guy's good"

Mejson: "Yea... so?"

Steve: "Don't loose him like you lost me..." -> "Don't go letting him die like you did with me."

Mejson: "I..."

Mr. Mate: "Are you listening to me?!"

Mejson: "Yea, sure..."

Mr. Mate: "Yeah? What did I say?"

Mejson: "Ummm..."

Mr. Mate: <sighs>

Mr. Mate: "What I'm trying to say is..."

Mr. Mate: "I'm sorry for hurting you..."

Mejson: "Hmmm?"

Mr. Mate: "Forgive me for what I said before..."

Mejson: "Ohh... that..."

Mejson: "It's cool, nothing happened"

Mr. Mate: <grunt>

Mr. Mate: "Alright, let's get out'a here"

Mr. Mate: "Shoo! Shoo!"

Mr. Mate: "Fucking bugs..."

Mejson: "You feel like there are more spider webs here?" -> "Is it just me, or are there a lot of spiderwebs?"

Mr. Mate: "Yeaaa, I agree..."

Mr. Mate: "I don't like this... stay alert..."

Mejson: "Damn, how far did we go? My back's killing me!"

Mr. Mate: "You can do it Grandpa!"

Mejson: "Sure!" -> "Yeah yeah."

Mejson: "Wait... what did you call me?!"

Mr. Mate: "Shhh... quite!"

Mejson: "You see something?" -> "What do we got?"

Mr. Mate: "We got two beetles up ahead..." -> "Two beetles, twelve o'clock."

Mr. Mate: "I don't think we can pass through them unnoticed..." -> "Doesn't look like we can sneak past them..."

Mejson: "Any suggestions?"

Mr. Mate: "Let's take'em out"

Mejson: "What's my role?" -> "Alright. You taking the left beetle or right?"

Mr. Mate: "I'll handle this..." -> "I'm taking both."

Mejson: "Wait, what?!"

Mr. Mate: "You know what? Wait here and enjoy the show..." -> "You heard me. Sit back and enjoy the show."

Mejson: "Oh shit... I've never seen anything like that!"

Mr. Mate: "Yeah... I practiced!" -> "Yup! Practiced that lots!"

Mejson: <chuckles>

Mejson: "I've seen enough, shall we breakfast?" -> "Time for a rest. Shall we have breakfast?"

Mejson: "You're right..."

Steve: "Right about what?"

Mejson: "About him..."

Steve: "Hahaha, sure I am!"

Mejson: <sighs>

Mejson: "Mr. Mate..."

Mejson: "If anyone was going to save us from this hellhole, it would be him..."

Steve: "I told you!"

Mr. Mate: "You seeing things again?"

Mejson: "What are you talking about?"

Mr. Mate: "Really?... You're gonna pretend like nothing's wrong?" -> "Drop the act - you're not fooling me."

Mr. Mate: "I specialize in human psychology"

Mr. Mate: "Besides, you look like you're dead inside" -> "And you look like you're dead inside."

Mejson: "Well... yeah"

Mejson: "I think I'm going crazy"

Mr. Mate: "Something from the past?"

Mejson: <sighs>

Mejson: <takes a deep breath>

Mr. Mate: "It's ok, you don't need to talk about it..."

Mejson: "Steve is back... and... he's alive in my head" -> "Steve... Returned. To call my head his home."

Mr. Mate: "What does he tell you?" -> "What does he say in there?"

Mejson: "He advises me..." -> "He gives me advice."

Mr. Mate: "This looks like a mind's way of dealing with trauma..." -> "This is a type of coping mechanism for your recent trauma."

Mejson: "Thank you for the diagnosis, Doc Mate"

Mr. Mate: "You have people to look over, don't let that slip out of your mind" -> "It's important to keep the people you're leading in the front of your mind."

Mejson: "Okay, let's get going"

Mr. Mate: "What a mess..."

Mejson: "What the hell happened here?"

Mr. Mate: "Isn't it obvious?... Mother nature took back her land…" -> "What always happens - Mother nature reclaimed what we took before."

Mr. Mate: "We gotta take’em down"

Mejson: "Sure..."

Mr. Mate: "Eyes open!" -> "Keep an eye out!"

Mr. Mate: "Well... eye" -> "Oh, right..."

Mejson: "Very funny" -> "It's out."

Mejson: "Let's go..."

Mr. Mate: "Shhh..."

Mejson: "Sorry..."

Mr. Mate: "Follow me..."

Mejson: "What?"

Mr. Mate: "We’re not having a picnic" -> "This isn't some picnic!"

Mr. Mate: "Let's keep going..."

Mr. Mate: "Ok, you ready?"

Mejson: "Right behind you..."

Mr. Mate: "Targets neutralized"

Mejson: "Eee... what?"

Mr. Mate: "Sorry, habit from my previous job" -> "Sorry, lingo from my last job."

(I left the final four out because out of characters, and I didn't see anything wrong there).

AzureDragoonGX 2021-11-12 21:20:57

I now also have a draft for the beginning narration too. You all, tell me what you make of this:

Previously on Reduce…

Jason’s tragic sacrifice to fell a hostile, massive mantis cut deep into the hearts and minds of the remaining survivors - Mejson, MariogD, Candy, Zip, and Mazurek. While there is no way to replace such a passionate warrior, there was a reunion with a kindred spirit in Steve to bring spirits back up.

With no time for weakness, Mejson and company pushed on. Luckily, pushing was what Steve did best, and his strength helped to build up the others, particularly Mejson himself, so that they might not just survive in this wilderness, but thrive as well. And for any of those niche situation - like say, going up some steep stairs - an ant that Candy bonded with did wonders.

Numbers further bolstered when the group happened upon a fortress manned by other friendly survivors. They - Keni, Conrad, God-DL, Rowny, and Delsin - too appreciated having some new company, especially when it was made clear that one of them was on death’s doorstep.

But the levity was short-lived. A routine exploration of uncharted lands led to further pain when an ambush orchestrated by an enemy quite literally reborn resulted in Steve’s untimely demise. Zip joined Mejson on the first steps of grief over losing a dear friend, when he too lost Rowny not too long after.

Sadness brewed anger, and anger brewed hostility. The team’s stronger minds in Mejson and Keni came to blows, with MariogD managing to mediate, if only just. They were reminded to keep focused on the mission - survive. And to survive, they’d need to advance while avoiding the conflicts that brought them to this low point.

Easier said than done, though. Steve reintroduced himself to the company - like the enemy that killed him, he was reborn. And with him came some nasty new friends. The second of two ambushes finally broke the psyche of the de-facto leader, as Mejson witnessed firsthand yet another death in Conrad.

This made him easy prey for Steve to pounce, taking one of his eyes. MariogD, Delsin, and finally Candy’s interference ensured that’s all he’d bring with him to the afterlife, though the ants made up for that by trampling God-DL six feet under.

Against overwhelming odds, the team split up. Mejson, MariogD, Candy, Delsin, and the ant escaped through the chaos and moved onward while the rest made their way back to the fortress. In spite of their best attempts to stay put and wait for their colleagues, their hope was for naught and they had to keep going to avoid being ambushed again.

That wasn’t the only thing on Mejson’s mind, though. The zombified Steve lingered as a powerful nightmare, continuing to chomp and chomp on his fear. The last thing the leader needed, with everything being so uncertain, and having a dwindling mental condition to tackle it all.

The group eventually reached a door in the wilderness, and after some failed attempts to scale the structure, they used a little ingenuity and incentive to hitch a ride on a caterpillar to ascend. Only time will tell if the effort will be worth it…

ChordC 2021-11-13 03:31:05

@Animetion24 Awesome work as always, some dialogues are much better, however I might slightly deviate (or completely deviate) from the script when I voice act to make it “conversation like”. Thank you for your help :)

Good job with the eye joke btw ;)

MariogD 2021-11-13 08:14:56

@Animetion24 we were discussing your propositions with @Mejson yesterday and it turned out that I also wrongly understood how Steve will be shown.
As @Mejson described Mejson mind will be something like 'seperate dimension' so background is changed and everything disappear.

For example I like it very much:
"Maybe at one point after Mejson reaffirms to Steve that Mr. Mate is the one, Steve may try to take a piece of his roast meat?", but now it is not possible because of another approach to "Mejson insanity".

Sorry that you lost time for wonderful ideas that are impossible because of some kind of misunderstanding.

Description of previous events in Reduce is wonderful, thank you for that.

Still encourage you @Animetion24 to join discord channel where we clarify things in real-time!
@Cyberdevil joined few minutes ago!

MariogD 2021-11-13 15:17:41

@Mejson I found a typo
Mr. Mate: "Shhh... quite!" -> "Shhh... quiet!

SayMeBott 2021-11-14 10:12:45

Im late and everything has been said, but... from me..
It's a long scene, but it shows deep relationships. I like it and I am curious about final shape of this scene - "on screen" :)

MariogD 2021-11-14 10:22:28

And @SayMeBott also has join our Reduce discord server!