MATRVG 2022-04-25 05:03:55

Keep up the good work, Mejson! I cannot wait for the next part! You also mentioned my older brother, I appereciate it ^^ Make no mistake, we've got your back!

MATRVG 2022-04-25 05:18:15

@Mejson Oh, were you sick? I didn't know, hope you get well soon! Just because it's April, doesn't mean summer is here :P we still gotta watch out for cold. Ehh, most likely he won't join NG :/ He claims he barely has time for himself.

Colizza 2022-04-25 06:01:33

Good job! You're strong guys!

SayMeBott 2022-04-26 12:50:31

I'm catching up after the break |:

AzureDragoonGX 2022-04-29 10:48:41

Just got two recommendations:

49 - I've had Delsin figured as someone who occupies himself after a tense time, such as the altercation between Mejson and Keni. So perhaps he could still be sitting by the fire with MariogD, but at the start he is cleaning up his spear launcher and/or sharpening new ammunition for it, reading over the plans for the standing spear launcher, or is rotating the spider leg in the spit, before turning his attention to MariogD?

55-57 - Bott* could also take another look back towards Mejson at the infirmary, either when Candy first gives up hitting the pillar (to which Both then facepalms) or after mentioning the spider to remind him of making sure Candy gets the training he will need?

Maybe also we could have a scene where he caresses Shevy, telling "it" how great it is that the alarm is there for them too.

DIALOGUE:

Mr. Mate: "What was that?"

Mr. Mate: "Strange... I never dreamed of anything" -> "Strange... Since when did I have dreams?"

Mr. Mate: <sighs>

Mr. Mate: "As if I were in the morgue" -> "As if I was in the morgue."

Mr. Mate: "I should have reacted earlier, my friend" -> "I should've done something sooner, my friend."

Mr. Mate: "I've never had a friend..."

Mr. Mate: "Take care, buddy"

Delsin: "Would you like some meat?"

MariogD: "I'm not hungry..."

Delsin: "It wasn't your fault"

MariogD: "Yes, it was!"

MariogD: <sighs>

MariogD: "I could have stopped them..."

Delsin: "Maybe so, but..."

Delsin: "It was inevitable. There always has been strong disagreement between them" -> "Conflict was inevitable. We've heard many of their disputes before."

Delsin: "At least they left us a lot of staff" -> "At least they left us with some great equipment."

MariogD: "Yeah, but... It doesn't cheer me up at all" -> "Yes... But they're a small comfort."

MariogD: "But why did Mazurek and Zip have to go with those fuckers?!" -> "Why did Mazurek and Zip go with those assholes, anyway?!"

MariogD: "Why did they leave us?!"

Delsin: "You know perfectly well"

Delsin: "Mazurek owes his life to this sneaky bastard, and Zip is convinced that Mazurek is his lucky card" -> "Mazurek owes so much to Keni, and Zip sees Mazurek as their key to further survival."

MariogD: "Fuck… I will not forgive them!"

MariogD: <sighs>

MariogD: "They hurt us…" ->

MariogD: "We'll meet again… I'm sure about that!" -> "We'll meet them again. I'm certain of it!"

Bott*: "What's the problem?"

Candy: "Odd game"

Bott*: <sighs>

Bott*: "It's not a game..."

Candy: "What?"

Bott*: "Just hit it!"

Candy: "It's not fun"

Candy: "I'm going to Gray"

Bott*: "Nobody said it will be easy..." -> "Eh, nobody said this was going to be easy..."

Bott*: "Wait... 'Gray'? Not 'White' anymore?"

Bott*: "Spider has changed... and that was quite fast..." -> "The spider has mutated. So quickly, too..."

Bott*: "Further observation necessary" -> "Must observe it further."

Bott*: "I will not give up, Mejson is counting on me!" -> "Not giving up on this either - Mejson is counting on me!"

Bott*: <sighs deeply once>

{Bott*: "We're lucky that Mazurek came up with the idea of building this alarm" -> "We're really lucky Mazurek made a design for this alarm..."}

OR

{Bott*: "Hello there, Shevy! Hope you've had a great rest."

Bott*: "Got anything to say about what went down?"

Shevy: "..."

Bott*: "Yeah, ugly stuff for sure."

Bott*: "At least Mazurek helped us build that alarm, right?"}

SayMeBott 2022-04-29 16:15:14

@AzureDragoonGX Shevy <3 Yes, yes, yes!
@Mejson, Please!

ChordC 2022-04-30 22:36:59

Mr. Mate:”What was that?” ==> “What was that all about?”

MariogD: "Yeah, but... It doesn't cheer me up at all" -> "Yes.. but that doesn’t help my brother at all…”

MariogD: "Fuck… I will not forgive them!" ==> “Fuck… I will never forgive them!”

That’s the only change I propose, the rest of the dialogues provided by @AzureDragoonGX seems pretty solid

Mejson 2022-05-02 02:45:19

@ChordC, @AzureDragoonGX, updated - added new dialogue and thread.

Mejson 2022-05-04 03:33:08

I don't know if everyone has seen the latest changes to this scene (Scene 13), but I'm officially closing this scene. Thanks to everyone for your participation and help!

Cyberdevil 2022-05-10 14:16:04

Nice scene. Had indeed not seen it yet but the dialog sounds good to me! And it seems atmospheric... I like the tone here. Nice with some contemplation after the battle. Some calm before the storm...

And woo new additions! Welcome Otto!