FLASH WILL NEVER DIE WHILE WE'RE ALIVE!
Age 38, Male
Senior Software QA
Second degree IT studies
Kozienice, Poland
Joined on 7/27/08
Hell yeah, man! We all need to take break... Scene is seem too great, I can't wait to see Candy's inner world ^^
Really?! I also can't wait for those scripts...! They'll be VERY useful for me. That Yoda quote is quite cool, BTW. I have big plans for this saga.
As for you, fans... STAY TUNED!
Regards,
-MATRVG
Thanks! It's amazing that everyone is enjoying this scene so much XD I got it, but it's just a normal scene! Scene 12 - It is a great scene!
I am glad that I will be able to help. Yes, I'm sure this saga will be cool!
Yeah, Yoda! This is the guy!
Yes, we invite you, come to our corner!
Me: :)
My throat: :o (meme Pikachu face)
With each scene, I look forward to the premiere more and more!
Thanks for the comment my friend! We are definitely approaching the end of planning! :)
Finally the next scene. 4 more left!
Yes, 'in dick' (indeed) XD
Hm, didn't get a feedback notice on my feed for this post. I think the 30 days are up and NG no longer redirects "Animetion24" to my username anymore.
Well, better get used to it guys. :)
Anyhow:
1.-3. - I take it that's what you were pointing my way on Discord? I don't mind it, sure helps to see characters trying to move on from such a dramatic moment and get their heads back on survival, especially Delsin - someone as curious and observant as him will often be finding something to do in the meantime.
27. or 30. - After Bott* lets Candy rest, you think we can have him excitedly inform Shevy of the great news and progress on his little experiment? I understand if you would like to pull on that personality tic every so often though.
28.-29. - If Mr. Mate is that concerned over Candy's status, might I recommend he also checks for Candy's pulse, either by wrist or... Where a stickman's neck would be? And when he discovers the bowl, Mate also tries smelling the inner section of bowl to try and find any strange substances? As a former assassin and wetwork asset, he'd likely have a decent level of understanding with toxins and poisons, and would try to see if Candy ingested some, even if this particular one is unfamiliar to him.
30. I'm guessing Bott* is too engrossed with his research to hear Mr. Mate demanding answers? Don't mind it, just making sure I get what's going on.
Dialogues:
Delsin: "Are you going to lie here all day long?" -> "Are you really just going to sleep the whole day away?"
MariogD: "That's the plan, sir" -> "That's the idea..."
Delsin: <sighs>
Delsin: "Do you think Mejson would be proud of this?" -> "You think Mejson would be glad to see this?"
Delsin: "You know..."
Delsin: "Don't be offended, but..."
Delsin: "Don't you think we should decide what to do next?" -> "We should determine what we need to do next."
MariogD: "Huh, what do you mean by that?"
Delsin: "What if..."
MariogD: "What if?" -> "What if, what?"
Delsin: "What if we shall have to choose... somebody new?" -> "What if we need to choose someone new?"
Delsin: "To lead…"
MariogD: "Are you serious?!"
MariogD: <sighs>
MariogD: "But you're Goddamn right" -> "You're right, though."
MariogD: "My bro won't live forever..."
MariogD: "We need to discuss it"
MariogD: "Where's Mr. Mate?"
Delsin: "Why do you want him?!"
MariogD: "You're repeating yourself..."
Delsin: "We should handle this alone" -> "We should handle this by ourselves."
Delsin: "Mejson always thought of you as his successor"
MariogD: "What?... Me?!"
MariogD: "I... I'm rubbish at this..."
MariogD: "That should be you" -> "It ought to be you."
Delsin: "Me?"
Delsin: "I'm not worthy"
MariogD: "Okay, so may be Mr. Mate" -> "Fine. Maybe Mr. Mate will say yes to the job then."
Delsin: <snort>
Delsin: "Well... since you put it that way, I'm in!" -> "If you're going to put it like that, then I'm up to the task."
Bott*: "Perfectly!" -> "Perfecto!" or "Perfection!"
Candy: "Tomato soup?"
Bott*: "What?"
Bott*: "Tsaa, yeah!"
Bott*: "Sooo much... tomato puree!"
Candy: "Yummy!"
Candy: "May I?"
Bott*: "Of course!"
Bott*: "This is for you"
Bott*: "Carefully!" -> "Careful now!"
Bott*: "It is hot"
Candy: <slurp>
Bott*: "Well? How's it taste?"
Candy: <3x smack>
Candy: "Strange taste..."
Candy: "I'm sleepy..."
Bott*: "Lay down here"
Candy: "What's happening?"
Bott*: "Relax"
Bott*: "Close your eyes"
Bott*: "Candy, can you hear me?"
Candy: "Hello?"
Bott*: "Very well"
Candy: "Where are you?"
Bott*: "I'm here... present..."
Candy: "Where?"
Bott*: "Everywhere!"
Bott*: <sighs>
Bott*: "We're in your head"
Candy: "Huh?"
Bott*: "Never mind..."
Bott*: "This is your world"
Bott*: "Pretty empty..."
Candy: "Echo!"
Candy: "Suuuper!"
Bott*: "Eee... yeah"
Bott*: "Anyway... can we continue?"
Bott*: "Let's start with something simple"
Bott*: "Think of something pleasant"
Candy: "Ice-cream!"
Candy: "Yeah!"
Candy: "Pistachio!"
Bott*: "That's not exactly what I meant..."
Bott*: <deep breath>
Bott*: "Remember when you were happy?"
Candy: "Happy..."
Candy: "Yes... very happy..."
Bott*: "Excellent!"
Candy: "My head..."
Candy: "Hurts..."
Bott*: "Great, but that's enough!" -> "Great work! Go ahead."
Bott*: "Take a nap"
Bott*: "Rest, my friend"
Mr. Mate: "What's going on?"
Mr. Mate: "You are usually very energetic"
Mr. Mate: "What's this game, freak?"
Bott*: "Interesting…"
Sorry, I accidentally entered your old nickname so I remember you changed it. Sorry.
Suggestions:
1.-3. - Yes!
27. or 30. - No ("the more you repeat something, the more it loses it's power" ~ Bott*).
28.-29. - Yes, she holds up his hand and checks his pulse. Yes, Mr. Mate sniffs the bowl.
30. - Yes, Bott* is engrossed in his research, and he's not too close to the other Mr. Mate doesn't say it out loud somehow.
Thanks, and for the fixes dialogues below!
I have no corrections for the plot, however, here are some dialogue changes that I recommend:
Delsin: "Are you going to lie here all day long?" ==> "You're just gonna lie there all day?"
MariogD: "That's the plan, sir" ==> "Yep... That's the plan, sir"
Delsin: <sighs>
Delsin: "Do you think Mejson would be proud of this?" ==> "How would Mejson react to this?"
Delsin: "You know..."
Delsin: "Don't be offended, but..." ==> "Don't get me wrong, but..."
Delsin: "Don't you think we should decide what to do next?" ==> Don't you think we decide on something? after, you know..."
MariogD: "Huh, what do you mean by that?"
Delsin: "What if..."
MariogD: "What if?" ==> "If what?"
Delsin: "What if we shall have to choose... somebody new?" ==> "What if we pick someone new..."
Delsin: "To lead…"
MariogD: "Are you serious?!"
MariogD: <sighs>
MariogD: "But you're Goddamn right"
MariogD: "My bro won't live forever..."
MariogD: "We need to discuss it"
MariogD: "Where's Mr. Mate?"
Delsin: "Why do you want him?!"
MariogD: "You're repeating yourself..."
Delsin: "We should handle this alone"
Delsin: "Mejson always thought of you as his successor"
MariogD: "What?... Me?!"
MariogD: "I... I'm rubbish at this..." ==> "I'm not cut out for this..."
MariogD: "That should be you" ==> "I think you'll make a better leader"
Delsin: "Me?"
Delsin: "I'm not worthy"
MariogD: "Okay, so may be Mr. Mate" ==> "In that case, I'll vouch for Mr. Mate"
Delsin: <snort>
Delsin: "Well... since you put it that way, I'm in!"
Bott*: "Perfectly!" ==> "Splendid!"
Candy: "Tomato soup?"
Bott*: "What?"
Bott*: "Tsaa, yeah!"
Bott*: "Sooo much... tomato puree!"
Candy: "Yummy!"
Candy: "May I?"
Bott*: "Of course!"
Bott*: "This is for you"
Bott*: "Carefully!" ==> "Careful!"
Bott*: "It is hot"
Candy: <slurp>
Bott*: "Well? How's it taste?"
Candy: <3x smack>
Candy: "Strange taste..."
Candy: "I'm sleepy..."
Bott*: "Lay down here"
Candy: "What's happening?"
Bott*: "Relax"
Bott*: "Close your eyes"
Bott*: "Candy, can you hear me?"
Candy: "Hello?"
Bott*: "Very well"
Candy: "Where are you?"
Bott*: "I'm here... present..."
Candy: "Where?"
Bott*: "Everywhere!"
Bott*: <sighs>
Bott*: "We're in your head" ==> "I'm in your head"
Candy: "Huh?"
Bott*: "Never mind..."
Bott*: "This is your world"
Bott*: "Pretty empty..."
Candy: "Echo!"
Candy: "Suuuper!"
Bott*: "Eee... yeah"
Bott*: "Anyway... can we continue?"
Bott*: "Let's start with something simple"
Bott*: "Think of something pleasant"
Candy: "Ice-cream!"
Candy: "Yeah!"
Candy: "Pistachio!"
Bott*: "That's not exactly what I meant..."
Bott*: <deep breath>
Bott*: "Remember when you were happy?"
Candy: "Happy..."
Candy: "Yes... very happy..."
Bott*: "Excellent!"
Candy: "My head..."
Candy: "Hurts..."
Bott*: "Great, but that's enough!"
Bott*: "Take a nap"
Bott*: "Rest, my friend"
Mr. Mate: "What's going on?" ==> "Hey, you ok?"
Mr. Mate: "You are usually very energetic" ==> "You're unusually quiet"
Mr. Mate: "What's this game, freak?" ==> "You got something to do with this, freak?"
Bott*: "Interesting…"
Thanks for the dialogue corrections! Regards!
OK, I'm closing the stage! Thanks to everyone for your participation and help! We got a great scene!
Colizza
No problem! You do well to take a break. Good job with Scene 14!
Mejson
Thanks for comment! It's always good to see you. Good to hear that!