MATRVG 2022-08-02 05:32:55

Woooo hooo! It's real honor to see this Scene 16 is finished finally! Remember, you are two scenes away from animating! I hope you're ready to get back to animating! ^^

ChordC 2022-08-02 10:37:32

“Thanks @ChordC for adding me to your epic songs as Inspiration!”:
I did the same with @MATRVG for calculated downfall and MM3 remix, because he inspired me to do them. I want to do the same with @Mejson for the Reduce songs, because he also inpired me to do them.

Anyway, here’s my dialogue proposal:

Steve: "Time to get up, my sleeping prince" ==> “Rise and shine, my sleeping prince”
Steve: "Did you sleep well?" ==> “Hope you had a sweet dream, buddy”
Steve: "Don't worry, we only lost because he was cheating" ==> “Don’t worry, we’ll get’em next time”
Mejson: "Can we really return to home?" ==> “Can we really return home?”

Steve: "Why are you asking that now?"
Mejson: "I'm not sure..."
Steve: "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger"

Mejson: "Steve... you're not really here, are you?" ==> “Steve… you’re not real, aren’t you?”

Steve: "But I can be whoever you want!"
Delsin: "It'll be okay, Mr. Mejson"
Mr. Mate: "Get a grip!"
Mr. Mate: "You are our leader!"
MariogD: "You have my bow!"
Mejson: "At that point I prefer Steve"
MariogD: "Asshole..."

Steve: "It could be much worse…" ==> “I could’ve done worse”

Mejson: "Right... I've seen enough"
Mejson: <moan of pain>
Mejson: "Fuck! Everything hurts!"
Mejson: "I'm too old for this shit..."
Mejson: <with a groan>
Mr. Mate: "I never thought I would miss your grumpy voice!"
Mr. Mate: <croaking>

Mr. Mate: "I'm glad to see you back on your feet!" ==> “Glad to see you back on your feet, old man!”

Mejson: "Thanks man, I appreciate it"

Mejson: "What's going on?" ==> “What did I miss?”

Mr. Mate: "You have to hear this..."
MariogD: "Are you serious?"
MariogD: "He doesn't know what he's doing!"

Bott*: "Give us a moment"
Bott*: "Candy... bad guys..."

MariogD: "What's going on?!" ==> “What the hell?!”

Candy: <strange long hiss>
MariogD: "Woah!"

MariogD: "Go for it!" ==> “Yeah! Get’em!”

Candy: <wild animal pain>
MariogD: "...the fuck?!"
Candy: <wild animal hiss pain>
MariogD: "What's the matter?"
MariogD: "Tired already?"
MariogD: <groan of pain>
MariogD: <groan of pain>
MariogD: "Motherfucker!"
Bott*: "That's enough! You got them!"
Bott*: "It's safe now..."
Bott*: "Ouch! We need a medic!"
MariogD: "You're a medic, you idiot!"
Bott*: "Right... we're doing an amputation!"

MariogD: "Are you fucking crazy?!" ==> “Are you out of your fucking mind?!”

Bott*: "I've never done an amputation..."
MariogD: "What have you done to him?"
Mejson: "Exactly!"
Mejson: "What have you done with my kid?!" ==> “What have you done to my son?!”
Mejson: "'...tell everyone what happened to Candy!'" ==> “Well?! Explain yourself!”

Bott*: "I helped Candy unlock his potential by..."
Mejson: "...by brainwashing him?!"
Bott*: "I was sure you'd thank me..."
Bott*: "We're making such a progress!"
Mejson: "That's enough!"
Mejson: "It ends now, do you understand?!"
Bott*: "Sure..."
Mejson: "Do you understand?!"
Bott*: "Sir, yes sir!"
Mejson: <sighs deeply>
Mejson: "I wanted to get through to him calmly..."
Mejson: "Why are you standing here? Treat the wounds"
Mejson: "I'm not done with you yet!"

Mejson: "What a torment I have with them..." ==> “What did I do to deserve this?!”

Mejson: "Aghhh!"
Mejson: "Geez... you need to stop doing this!"
Mejson: "Someday I will have a heart attack because of you guys!"
Mejson: "Go help MariogD"
Mr. Mate: "Sir, yes sir!"
Mejson: "Very funny… go! Don't make me angry"
Mejson: "I have one more moron to talk to…"
Delsin: "I heard Mejson has just woken up!"
MariogD: "Good luck, my friend..."
Mr. Mate: "Like I said, we're in this shit together"

Delsin: "Mr. Mejson, nice to have you back!" ==> “Mr. Mejson, it is nice to have you back!”

Mejson: "Well yes, I’ve returned indeed"
Mejson: "So you became a 'leader' in my absence?"

Delsin: "Well... your brother didn't want to, so… yeah" ==> “Well… Your brother didn’t have the guts, so… yeah”
Mejson: "Hmm… and how was it, any problems?" ==> “I see… And how did you do? Any problems?”
Delsin: "I think it was fine. There was silence in the base" ==> “I think I did fine, there was only silence in the base”

Mejson: "Bullshit! Bott* was drugging Candy right under your nose!"
Mejson: "And you fucking did nothing! Why?!"
Mejson: "Are you surprised I know?! I know! True leader knows everything!"
Mejson: "Why did you ignore the warnings?!"
Delsin: "This killer... can't be trusted"
Mejson: "Really?! You’ve allowed your personal beliefs to obstruct your judgment?!"
Mejson: <takes a deep breath>
Mejson: "I'm disappointed in you..."
Mejson: "I don't want to hear any excuses!"
Mr. Mate: "Done"
MariogD: "Thanks!"
Mr. Mate: "You won't be Robin Hood with this hand"
Mejson: "Are you here?"
Mejson: "Come on brother, we need to talk"
MariogD: "Can't we speak later? My hand hurts"
Mejson: "Now, little brother"
MariogD: <sighs>
Mr. Mate: "He's dead...”

Mr. Mate: "Hey, folks!  Bill's gone!" ==> “Guys, Bill is no longer with us…”

AzureDragoonGX 2022-08-04 09:30:13

Got no scene suggestions or additions here; everything looks pretty poignant. Since this chapter is so pivotal with so many important things happening though, I can imagine there might be loads to consider in the chapters detailing its fallout.

Now for dialogues:

Steve: "Time to get up, my sleeping prince" -> "Bad morning, sweet prince." (Hamlet reference - original line was "Goodnight, Sweet Prince". Also think it's good to limit repeat word use, as next line from Steve will repeat sleep.)

Steve: "Did you sleep well?" -> "Slept well?"

Steve: "Don't worry, we only lost because he was cheating" -> "Don't worry, we only lost 'cause he cheated."

Mejson: "Can we really return to home?" -> "Can we ever make it back home?"

Steve: "Why are you asking that now?"
Mejson: "I'm not sure..."
Steve: "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger"
Mejson: "Steve... you're not really here, are you?"

Steve: "But I can be whoever you want!" -> "Who else could be here? Maybe..."

Delsin: "It'll be okay, Mr. Mejson"
Mr. Mate: "Get a grip!"
Mr. Mate: "You are our leader!"
MariogD: "You have my bow!"

Mejson: "At that point I prefer Steve" -> "At this point, I'd prefer Steve."

MariogD: "Asshole..."
Steve: "It could be much worse…"
Mejson: "Right... I've seen enough"
Mejson: <moan of pain>
Mejson: "Fuck! Everything hurts!"
Mejson: "I'm too old for this shit..."
Mejson: <with a groan>

Mr. Mate: "I never thought I would miss your grumpy voice!" -> "Never would've thought I'd miss your grumpy voice!"

Mr. Mate: <croaking>
Mr. Mate: "I'm glad to see you back on your feet!"
Mejson: "Thanks man, I appreciate it"
Mejson: "What's going on?"

Mr. Mate: "You have to hear this..." -> "You're going to want to hear this."

MariogD: "Are you serious?"

MariogD: "He doesn't know what he's doing!" -> "He has no idea what he's doing!"

Bott*: "Give us a moment"

Bott*: "Candy... bad guys..." -> "Oh Candy... There's a baddie!"

MariogD: "What's going on?!"
Candy: <strange long hiss>
MariogD: "Woah!"

MariogD: "Go for it!" -> "Come on!" OR "Come at me!"

Candy: <wild animal pain>
MariogD: "...the fuck?!"
Candy: <wild animal hiss pain>
MariogD: "What's the matter?"
MariogD: "Tired already?"
MariogD: <groan of pain>
MariogD: <groan of pain>
MariogD: "Motherfucker!"

Bott*: "That's enough! You got them!" -> "Hold, Candy! You got 'em!"

Bott*: "It's safe now..." -> "Coast is clear."

Bott*: "Ouch! We need a medic!"

MariogD: "You're a medic, you idiot!" -> "You're the medic, jackass!"

Bott*: "Right... we're doing an amputation!" -> "Right... You'll need an amputation!"

MariogD: "Are you fucking crazy?!"

Bott*: "I've never done an amputation..." -> "I've never done one before..."

MariogD: "What have you done to him?"
Mejson: "Exactly!"
Mejson: "What have you done with my kid?!"
Mejson: "'...tell everyone what happened to Candy!'"
Bott*: "I helped Candy unlock his potential by..."
Mejson: "...by brainwashing him?!"

Bott*: "I was sure you'd thank me..." -> "You wanted to toughen him up, right?"

Bott*: "We're making such a progress!" -> "We're making great progress!"

Mejson: "That's enough!"
Mejson: "It ends now, do you understand?!"
Bott*: "Sure..."
Mejson: "Do you understand?!"
Bott*: "Sir, yes sir!"
Mejson: <sighs deeply>
Mejson: "I wanted to get through to him calmly..."

Mejson: "Why are you standing here? Treat the wounds" -> "Why are you standing here? Treat his wounds!"

Mejson: "I'm not done with you yet!"

Mejson: "What a torment I have with them..." -> "These guys are such a nightmare..."

Mejson: "Aghhh!"

Mejson: "Geez... you need to stop doing this!" -> "Jesus, you gotta stop doing that!"

Mejson: "Someday I will have a heart attack because of you guys!" -> "I'll get a heart attack from you all one day."

Mejson: "Go help MariogD"

Mr. Mate: "Sir, yes sir!"
Mejson: "Very funny… go! Don't make me angry"
Mejson: "I have one more moron to talk to…"
Delsin: "I heard Mejson has just woken up!"
MariogD: "Good luck, my friend..."
Mr. Mate: "Like I said, we're in this shit together"
Delsin: "Mr. Mejson, nice to have you back!"

Mejson: "Well yes, I’ve returned indeed" -> "Yes, I've returned."

Mejson: "So you became a 'leader' in my absence?"
Delsin: "Well... your brother didn't want to, so… yeah"

Mejson: "Hmm… and how was it, any problems?" -> "I see... And were there difficulties?"

Delsin: "I think it was fine. There was silence in the base" -> "Well, there were no attacks, and the team's holding up."

Mejson: "Bullshit! Bott* was drugging Candy right under your nose!"

Mejson: "And you fucking did nothing! Why?!" -> And you did jack shit! Why?!"

Mejson: "Are you surprised I know?! I know! True leader knows everything!" -> "You're surprised? True leaders know everything around them!"

Mejson: "Why did you ignore the warnings?!"
{Cut out this dialogue because space running out; no suggestions here}
Mr. Mate: "You won't be Robin Hood with this hand"

Mejson: "Are you here?" -> "Are you ready now?"
{Cut also this}
Mr. Mate: "Hey, folks! Bill's gone!" -> "Hey everyone! Bill's gone!"

Mejson 2022-08-08 03:26:34

All updated in this Poster (scene). I close this scene, documentation updated. Also we create high level planning for scene 17. I can tell - IT not be easy.