SayMeBott 2022-09-01 10:42:27

Woah, I see a lot of Bott* lines here ^^'

In reference to streams - as @Mejson wrote, its rare regular event. Period is not a risk, but I would like the broadcast hours to be kept ^^'
If you are intrested, check my NG profile (there you find a connector to my Twitch)

ChordC 2022-09-03 08:17:47

Interesting action sequence, here’s some dialogue proposal:

Candy: <sneeze>
Mejson: "Fuck!"
Mejson: "Madhouse..."

MariogD: "What are you exactly trying to achieve?" ==> “What are you trying to achieve, exactly?”
Bott*: "I'm trying to focus!" ==> “Sshhh! I’m trying to focus!”
Bott*: "Why are you standing here exactly?" ==> “And why are you standing here, exactly?”

MariogD: <snort>

MariogD: "You know perfectly..." ==> “You know why I’m here alright”
MariogD: "You can blame only yourself" ==> “You only have yourself to blame”

Bott*: <sighs>
Bott*: "Focus... focus"

Bott*: "Yeees! I finally made it!" ==> “Yeees! Bott* has done it again!”
MariogD: "Hmm?" ==> “Not again…”
MariogD: "What have you made up, again?" ==> “What did you do this time?”

Bott*: "Forced pheromone obedience!"
MariogD: "Eee... I don't understand"
Bott*: "It doesn't matter because I understand!"
Bott*: "But who am I going to test it on?"

Bott*: "Damn promise..." ==> “I hate promises…”

Delsin: "Shiiit!"
Delsin: <groan of pain>
Delsin: "Help me, Mate!"
Delsin: "Mate?!"
Mr. Mate: <sighs>
Delsin: "What took you so long?"

Mejson: "It's good that we have this new gear" ==> “This can be useful”
Mejson: "What are just standing here?" ==> “Candy, why are you just standing there?”

Mejson: "Hide somewhere. We're under attack!"
Bott*: "Amazing! Such an occasion! It must be my birthday!"
MariogD: "Where are you, dude?!"

Bott*: "Wait! I'm coming, my 'watchdog'!" ==> “I’m going to safe you my princess!

MariogD: "Ahh… Fuck you!"
MariogD: "I'm glad this shit works..."
Bott*: "Leeroooy!"
Bott*: "Jenkinsss!"
MariogD: "Whoooa! That's the spirit!"
Bott*: "Fuck yeah!"
Bott*: "Let's smash the others!"
Bott*: "Come on, my love! Kiss the next bugs!"

MariogD: "Damn contusion!" ==> “Damn crustaceans!”

MariogD: "Retreat! There are too many of them!"
MariogD: "Move over, Bott*!"
Bott*: "Kill those motherfuckers!"
Bott*: "Bull's-eye!"
MariogD: <groans of pain>
Bott*: "Hurry up, man! This one is close!"

MariogD: "Damn! It's your fault!" ==> “Damn! This is your fault!”
MariogD: "Already forgot?!" ==> “Forgot about this?!”

Bott*: "You grumbly like your brother..."
MariogD: "I'm not that old…"

MariogD: "Now what?!" ==> “Shit! Now what?!”

Bott*: "They shall not pass!"
MariogD: "Will it work?"
Bott*: "Of course!"
Bott*: "I think so..."
MariogD: "What are you saying?"
Bott*: "I've got something for you"
MariogD: "Thanks"
Bott*: "Chaaarge!"

Bott*: "Nice! It's working!" ==> “Incredible! Just what the doctor ordered!”

MariogD: "Bott*, you are a genius!"

Bott*: "I know that, bitch!" ==> “Bow down to me mortal!
MariogD: "This one is mine!" ==> “This one’s mine!”

Bott*: "Wait!" ==> “Lookout!”

MariogD: <moan of pain>
MariogD: "Ugh! Fuuuck!"
Bott*: "Interesting... larger specimens need a larger dose..."

MariogD: "Damn! This bastard scratched me!" ==> “Damn! That bastard bit me!”

MariogD: "Right! There's an antitoxin!" ==> “Right! There’s an antidote!”

MariogD: "Bott*, are you sure it's safe?"
Bott*: "Ha ha, I have no idea..."

MariogD: "I don’t know what I expected…" ==> “What did I expect…”

MariogD: <hiss of pain>

AzureDragoonGX 2022-09-09 12:58:58

4-5. - Before Bott* gets ticked with MariogD watching him in 7., I think a little prelude to his retort could help set the mood. The wording here indicates he isn't that much bothered (yet), but perhaps he could look over his shoulder towards MariogD that he is indeed distracted.

Also, retraoctively after reading 23., good to see that the manuscript explains what's happening with the dry arrows, but if MariogD is going to check out one of his arrows during these segments anyway, could we make it visually clear that is the case? The tips showing a different color, MariogD shoves a jar labeled "dry toxin" aside, or he can be seen rubbing the arrowhead with a rag coated in it. That last of this can also be done with his wounded hand and the digging-rub motion could cause strain, further referencing his injury last scene.

11-12. - Does Bott* say "But who am I going to test it on?" loud enough for MariogD to hear? I don't see a reaction from him. Maybe he squints his eyes and points at them before pointing at Bott*, silently reiterating that he's being watched with his little experiments. Bott* understands, and proceeds to say (as MariogD steps away for a moment) "Damn promise..."

That's it for suggestions. Now onto dialogues (on that note, since there's so few and I don't have changes for them, I'll go ahead and record them along with the revision for S16):

Candy: <sneeze>
Mejson: "Fuck!"
Mejson: "Madhouse..."

MariogD: "What are you exactly trying to achieve?" -> "What exactly are you trying to achieve?"

Bott*: "I'm trying to focus!" -> "Shush! Let me focus!"

Bott*: "Why are you standing here exactly?" -> "Why exactly are you standing there, anyway?"

MariogD: <snort>

MariogD: "You know perfectly..." -> "You know perfectly why..."

MariogD: "You can blame only yourself" -> "You have only yourself to blame."

Bott*: <sighs>
Bott*: "Focus... focus"

Bott*: "Yeees! I finally made it!" -> "Yeees! It's done, it's done!"

MariogD: "Hmm?"

MariogD: "What have you made up, again?" -> "What's done?"

Bott*: "Forced pheromone obedience!"
MariogD: "Eee... I don't understand"
Bott*: "It doesn't matter because I understand!"
Bott*: "But who am I going to test it on?"
Bott*: "Damn promise..."
Delsin: "Shiiit!"
Delsin: <groan of pain>
Delsin: "Help me, Mate!"
Delsin: "Mate?!"
Mr. Mate: <sighs>
Delsin: "What took you so long?"

Mejson: "It's good that we have this new gear" -> "It's always nice to put on some new gear."

Mejson: "What are just standing here?" -> "Candy, why are you just standing still?!"

Mejson: "Hide somewhere. We're under attack!"

Bott*: "Amazing! Such an occasion! It must be my birthday!" -> "Brilliant! A golden opportunity! Must be an early birthday present!"

MariogD: "Where are you, dude?!"

Bott*: "Wait! I'm coming, my 'watchdog'!" -> "Coming, my sweet prince!"

MariogD: "Ahh… Fuck you!"
MariogD: "I'm glad this shit works..."
Bott*: "Leeroooy!"
Bott*: "Jenkinsss!"
MariogD: "Whoooa! That's the spirit!"
Bott*: "Fuck yeah!"
Bott*: "Let's smash the others!"

Bott*: "Come on, my love! Kiss the next bugs!" -> "Forward, my love! Let's give the rest of these bugs a kiss too!"

MariogD: "Damn contusion!"
MariogD: "Retreat! There are too many of them!"
MariogD: "Move over, Bott*!"
Bott*: "Kill those motherfuckers!"
Bott*: "Bull's-eye!" -> "Bullseye!"
MariogD: <groans of pain>
Bott*: "Hurry up, man! This one is close!"

MariogD: "Damn! It's your fault!" -> "It's your fault it's close!"

MariogD: "Already forgot?!" -> "Remember this?"

Bott*: "You grumbly like your brother..." -> "You grumble like your old man of a brother..."

MariogD: "I'm not that old…"
MariogD: "Now what?!"
Bott*: "They shall not pass!"
MariogD: "Will it work?"
Bott*: "Of course!"
Bott*: "I think so..."
MariogD: "What are you saying?"
Bott*: "I've got something for you"
MariogD: "Thanks"
Bott*: "Chaaarge!"
Bott*: "Nice! It's working!"
MariogD: "Bott*, you are a genius!"

Bott*: "I know that, bitch!" -> "Tell me something I don't know!"

MariogD: "This one is mine!"

Bott*: "Wait!" -> "Watch yourself!"

MariogD: <moan of pain>
MariogD: "Ugh! Fuuuck!"

Bott*: "Interesting... larger specimens need a larger dose..." -> "Fascinating... The larger the beast, the larger the necessary dose..."

MariogD: "Damn! This bastard scratched me!" -> "Damint! I got bit!"

MariogD: "Right! There's an antitoxin!" -> "Oh yeah! We have an antidote!"

MariogD: "Bott*, are you sure it's safe?"
Bott*: "Ha ha, I have no idea..."

MariogD: "I don’t know what I expected…" -> "Why am I not surprised...?"

MariogD: <hiss of pain>

AzureDragoonGX 2022-09-09 16:28:41

@MariogD requested to be able to see the eulogy for Bill in the next scene, so here's a copy posted below:
"Tragedy has dogged every step of our adventure for survival. It has sicced terrible creatures upon us... Brought out the creatures inside ourselves. Put us at odds on a fundamental level, forcing us to create dividing lines. Taken our lives, tortured the rest. And it only seems to be the beginning... But we owe it to Bill. We owe it to all who have fallen. We must weather this storm and slice off the head of the snake. We conquered this latest mountain - we're ready to annihilate the next."

AzureDragoonGX 2022-09-13 10:17:59

@Mejson

I'm getting a clearer picture. So, after Delsin says "We owe it to all who have fallen", he then lists out "Jimmy, Jason, Conrad, God-DL (He'll be a fun name to say)" and so on, with translucent images of them floating on the screen?

theunholybunny 2022-09-19 12:40:29

THIS PROJECT IS SO COOL