MariogD 2021-10-17 11:07:06

OMG, this scene will be soooo long. Like it, many dialogues.
To be sure the next to scene requires more actions, more fight.

SayMeBott 2021-10-17 13:47:43

@Mejson Yes, Bott* in written, and <Bot> in speech.

I agree with @MariogD - this scene will be a challenge, but if all goes well, it will be a masterpiece.

I have some ideas for Bott*'s dialogues - e.g.:
- "Yeah, sure..." >> "Tsaa.., sure..."
- "Yes, but... it won't be easy" >> "Yes..., but..., it won't be easy" or "but..., yes..., it won't be easy"
- "Bill has little time..." >> "Bill doesn't have much time"

Not sure about:
-"This’ll do" >> "I'll do it/this"
- "antidote" >> "cure"

I like @Animetion24 approach to dialogues from Scene 6 (Planning/Draft).

@Mejson @Animetion24 what do you think about it?

Cyberdevil 2021-10-17 15:06:12

Ah your own birthday! :D Happy Birthday!!! Just a few years ahead of me...

Now that the dialog qualifies maybe we can try to get this on Netflix someday hmm. :P

No worries at all regarding Cyber. You're really planning far ahead here. Looking forward to seeing him whenever it's relevant he's brought forth!

Thus scene was great. Goosebumps when Steve first appears. And intriguing to see how this'll go, if Steve's really helping or no...

Just a couple suggestions on the dialog.

Bill’s illness is getting worse > Bill’s condition is getting worse
I decided! > I've decided! or It's decided!

This is really getting pretty exciting, anticipation growing...

MariogD 2021-10-17 15:16:06

@SayMeBott
- "This'll do" is fine, @ChordC idea (but i had to google it -> https://english.stackexchange.com/questions/476839/is-thisll-considered-proper-english)
- antidote and cure are both fine for me, but it seems that antidote is slightly better. Bill illness is caused by spider's poison. @Mejson to decide
- "Bill has little time..." -> according to google they are totally the same (https://ell.stackexchange.com/questions/138154/we-have-little-time-vs-we-havent-got-much-time) Personally I will go with option 'Bill has little time' because it is shorter. @Mejson to decide.
- "Yeah, sure..." >> "Tsaa.., sure..." -> I cannot find word Tsaa. Do you want it because it is something personal to You? Frankly speaking I cannot remember you using it. @Mejson we use 'yeah' all the time, maybe "yep" or this "tsaa" will be more interesting?

Cyberdevil 2021-10-17 15:34:28

Unfortunately I didn't remember the date, but now that you mention it at least I can retrospectively send some wishes! ;)

Maybe not now but in the future who knows! :D

Sure, and there'll be plenty to look forward too in the meantime, whenever it suits the story.

Right, I'm just wondering if his appearance is good or bad for Mejson, if he's a projection that helps, or somehow maybe a self-destructive element in Mejson's personality... for example if he maybe projects the things Mejson fears, that more teammates will die, and that his advice actually lead to such things happening... or it's all really good, subconscious decision-making. :P

The longer the wait for something good though... ;)

Cyberdevil 2021-10-17 15:35:59

Regarding the 'Tsaa' btw, maybe this'd work: https://www.dictionary.com/browse/tsk ?

Seems a little similar? Same expression?

SayMeBott 2021-10-17 16:17:11

@MariogD Ok, I don't question what you write because your knowledge is greater :3

@Mejson @Cyberdevil @MariogD - MariogD described it well - I mean, not every person has same habits and use same phrases - likewise characters should be different.
Not everyone say "no", some say "nope" and others "nah". I'm thinking about using more slang, slack, colloquial speech and street vocabulary - not just 'yes' and 'no' (more synonyms).

"Tsaa" is just an indefinite phrase expressing sarcasm (its even more sound than phrase) - it may take any situational form, not necessarily "Yeah" - it may be even "Forget...", "Mhm..."

Cyberdevil 2021-10-17 17:47:07

Gotta keep going till it IS that popular!!! ;)

Hehe, well it'll be exciting to see what his decisions lead to. :) Can Candy really become a warrior hmm... seems I'm overthinking things with the self-actualizing fear/projection bit though! XD

I really hope so! :D This chapters definitely feels more intense than the previous, hopefully people don't just want action and speed though, I think if some of these scenes are executed well anyone will be able to immerse themselves. the atmosphere feels powerful. Hope you manage to bring it to life the best possible way. ;)

Regarding the Tsk/Tsaa I guess you'll come to a conclusion hmm. :) Character-specific remarks are nice if they contribute something IMO. I guess it's a matter of balancing understanding/benefit. Maybe strange to add now, but maybe not detrimental either...

I'm fine either way.

Cyberdevil 2021-10-18 09:33:34

Unjustified optimism haha. XD In these dark times you have to dream! I do appreciate your sense of realism too though!

I do believe in him. :) Intriguing to follow that growth.

And of course I believe you'll give it all your all too! Sometimes the reality just doesn't seem to match the dream, or vice versa, like trying to take a photo of the moon or mist, it's hard to capture the moment in that particular medium. Or maybe more relevant: sometimes the book's just so much better than the movie - imagination is a powerful medium too, but here's hoping the scene turns out just as amazing as I imagine it! :) Feels like they steadily keep getting better and better too.

Understood. :) Have to weigh value and time too of course, hope Bott* doesn't mind.

SayMeBott 2021-10-18 11:36:34

@Mejson
For clarity. I don't want to make a revolution - it's just that my character dialogues interest me a bit more than the others.

I wanted to avoid discrepancy between subtitles and recorded sound (if instead 'No' I would say 'Naaaaa') - in my opinion this is a detail that can be modified during editing (of course, I would record 'No' and 'Naaaaa' - but if 'Naaaaa' you would like more, then you just change the subtitles).

As I say, it's just a cosmetic procedure - no big deal. Even if you say that we do it as it is, I will not dispute it - but I would like to try and maybe get a better effect (judging recorded audio).

o/

AzureDragoonGX 2021-10-18 16:54:39

1. When you say "exposed cage" do you mean the wound, and it's open? I'm a bit confused as the bandage is likely there to keep it closed. Or do you mean they made a cage to put Bill in in the event the infection turns him into something like Steve?

2, 3. Good to go.

4. Maybe Bott* can end the conversation with Bill by saying "You would know!", implying he thinks Bill's quite an asshole too. Bill groans in response and takes a rest, which then leads to Mejson calling Bott* aside. Sound good?

5-9. Good to go.

10. I think we ought to change Mr. Mate's question from a "how many?" to a "who were they?". One of the best ways to retain (or mask) genuine care of someone who debuted after tragedy in the story is to have them be curious of the names of the fallen, as even the dead have names and aren't just numbers to quantify. This can still shellshock Mejson as it has him remember the stories of their casualties. It'll be a part of my dialogue suggestions down low.

11-13. Good to go.

14. Maybe Mejson should try to scrub his remaining eye first and look back up (realizing he still sees Steve), before he then puts his face fully behind his hands? It will bring the idea that Mejson still is trying to fight his insanity rather than immediately accepting what he's seeing.

15-17. Good to go.

18. By watching, is Delsin listening to the rest of the survivors attentively? I reckon he could be listening in passing while on lookout, such as him looking with only his eyes behind him towards Mejson and MariogD, before returning his attention to the outskirts of their outpost.

19-24. Good to go.

25. If you are still curious about how to illustrate Mejson's internal thinking moment, I was thinking of having multiple Mejsons come out of his head suggesting courses of action to the main man himself, things like "Bott* alone", "With Delsin", "With Mr. Mate". But since they all speak over each other, it only frustrates the first Mejson into saying "What to do?" which is when they all go silent and Steve takes over. This can add to Mejson feeling more and more dissociated with the real world.

26-33. Good to go.

AzureDragoonGX 2021-10-18 16:55:13

Dialogues:

Bott*: "Stop moving!"

Bill: "Screw you!"

Bott*: "You’ll make things worse if you keep doing this" -> "The more you squirm, the worse it gets!"

Bill: "I'm fine"

Bill: "I’ll just sleep it off... everything’ll be alright" -> "I just need some rest... Then I'll be good."

Bott*: "Yeah, sure..." -> "Of course you will."

Bott*: "Are you mad?! Stay down there!" -> "Are you insane? Stay in bed!"

Bill: "You can’t tell me what to do!" -> "Don't tell me what to do!"

Mejson: "Still stubborn as usual, huh?"

Bill: "Assholes..."

{Bott*: "You would know!"}

Mejson: "Come here for a moment" -> "Come here for a sec."

Mejson: "How’s Bill?"

Bott*: "He’s seen better days..."

MariogD: "What's going on?" -> "You got some news?"

Bott*: "Bad news... Bill..."

MariogD: "What about him?"

MariogD: "He seems alright to me" -> "He doesn't look so bad..."

Bott*: "Are you sure about that?"

MariogD: "Well..."

Mr. Mate: "You discussing something?" -> "What are you discussing?

MariogD: "Where’d you come from?!"

Mejson: "Bill’s illness is getting worse" -> "Bill's sickness is progressing."

Mr. Mate: "I see..."

Mr. Mate: "When are we gonna move out?" -> "When are we heading out?"

MariogD: "What are you talking about?!"

Mr. Mate: "Well, since Bill’s condition is..." -> "It would be unwise to stay here for too long."

Mejson: "We leave no men behind" -> "Nobody gets left behind."

Mr. Mate: "I didn't mean..."

Mr. Mate: "I thought since... he’s in such a bad shape... so..."

Mejson: "Relax, we understand" -> "Yeah, we get it."

MariogD: "What should we do with him?" -> "Is there anything we can do for him?"

Bott*: "Well..."

Mr. Mate: "How many men have you lost?" -> "Who did you lose before?"

MariogD: "The fuck is wrong with you?!"

Mr. Mate: "What did I do?"

MariogD: <sighs>

MariogD: "That’s a touchy subject..." -> "That's a very sore subject."

Mejson: "Goddammit!"

Steve: <laughter>

Steve: "Really?! What an amateur!"

Mejson: "Who are you?! Show yourself!" -> "Who's there? Show yourself!"

Steve: "Over here old friend..." -> "I'm over here, buddy."

Mejson: <gasp>

Mejson: "Steve..."

Steve: <laughs>

Mejson: "But... But... you are dead..."

Steve: "So what?"

Steve: "Aren't you glad to see me?"

Mejson: "No! It’s impossible... This isn’t happening!"

Steve: "I’m always here... friend..."

Mejson: "What do you want from me?!"

Steve: "Calm down"

Steve: "I'm here for you"

Mejson: "Really?"

MariogD: "Who are you talking to?"

Mejson: "What? No one" -> "... Nobody."

MariogD: "Are you okay?"

Mejson: "Yes, I'm fine" -> "Yeah, I'm okay."

MariogD: "Okeeey" -> "Riiiight...."

MariogD: "Come on! I wanna talk to you about something" -> "Come here, I need to run something by you."

Mr. Mate: "...and that will actually help him?"

Bott*: "Well... I’ve never dealt with a poison like this" -> "It's a unique poison, but..."

Bott*: "This’ll do" -> "This'll have to do."

MariogD: "Okay, everyone’s here"

MariogD: "Can you repeat, Bott*?" -> "Can you say that again, Bott*?"

Bott*: "Of course"

Bott*: "Maybe we can save Bill"

Mejson: "That's great news!"

Bott*: "Yes, but... it won't be easy"

Bott*: "Besides what I can find in the area, I need a few things to do the
antidote" -> "In addition to some ingredients here, I need some other things to produce an antidote."

Mejson: "What do you need?" -> "What things?"

Bott*: "Most of all clean water" -> "Clean water, priority number one."

Mejson: "I understand..." -> "Right..."

Delsin: "The water has condensed close to our previous camp" -> "There's water from condensation near our old camp."

Delsin: "I guess it has to do with the leakiness of the door..." -> "The door probably has some leaks to it."

Mejson: "What else?"

Bott*: "A healing herb like Dandelion, St. John's Wort, Aloe..."

Delsin: "Aloe... Yes!" -> "Aloe... Ah!"

Delsin: "Yes, that's right. I saw one in a pot while scouting"

Mejson: "Excellent!"

Bott*: "Yes, but..."

Bott*: "Bill has little time..." -> "Bill doesn't have long."

MariogD: "So two expeditions at the same time..." -> "We can split up to get what we need faster."

Mr. Mate: "I can go alone" -> "I can go solo."

Mejson: "No! It's too dangerous there, no one will go alone" -> "No way, this place is too dangerous. No one goes alone."

MariogD: "But if Bott* looks after Bill, who will be guarding the base?" -> "With Bott* looking after Bill, who's going to protect the base?"

Mejson: "What to do?"

Steve: "You called?"

Steve: "Shhh, don't say anything" -> "No no, don't say a thing."

Steve: "I hear your thoughts"

Mejson: "Okaaay..."

Mejson: "What are we supposed to do?"

Steve: "Isn't that obvious?" -> "Isn't it obvious?"

Mejson: "Hm?"

Steve: "That boy, Candy..."

Mejson: "What about him?"

Steve: "He'll stay and watch over the base"

Mejson: "Are you serious?! He can't even fight!"

Steve: "Then why don't you teach him?"

Mejson: "He... He is so helpless and young"

Steve: "I know you want to protect him, but you have to let him grow up" -> "None of that will change until you let him learn and grow up."

Mejson: "Yes, I know... I understand"

...

AzureDragoonGX 2021-10-18 16:56:11

MariogD: "Mejson! Can you hear me?!"

Mejson: "What?"

MariogD: "I asked if you had any idea" -> "I just asked you if you had any ideas."

Mejson: "Yes... Candy and his pet will keep an eye on the base"

MariogD: "Whaaat?! You're not serious?!" -> "The Hell? You must be joking!"

Bott*: "No problem. My Shevy will protect us" -> "Not a problem. Shevy can protect us!"

Mejson: "Well... why not?"

MariogD: "Why not?!... He can't even fight!"

Mejson: "That's why I will teach him!"

Mejson: "I decided!" -> "It's been decided!"

MariogD: "Do whatever you want..."

MariogD: "Total stupidity..." -> He's losing it..."

Mejson: "We're leaving in fifteen minutes!"

Delsin: "Where are you going?"

Mejson: "I'm going to talk with Candy"

Yep, these scenes are getting much longer. Now need three comments to put down my thoughts and observations. :U

Mejson 2021-10-19 03:46:21

@Animetion24, it's looks like I don't understand this change in "4". Can you explay for why reason is this sentence and when, with emotion?

Edit: Ok, got it updated / changed.

Cyberdevil 2021-10-19 04:15:22

Well there may be a lot of good competition out there but I wonder if most of them are as dedicated as you are. ;) This community involvement's really unique too. I just stumbled in somehow initially but happy to be here since!

I don't think so no. XD Hmm even badly drawn stuff can be alright if the idea's good IMO, there's some really random stuff out there that I enjoy too, like for example this had me laughing way too much: https://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/812587

Anyway it's inspiring with thoroughness, but it's nice the bar isn't too high either; that you can appreciate things for what they are. Anyone can get into animating again now, when for a while it seemed like it was something for professionals only - it's like it used to be when NG was new again! I love how much life there is in the community here now, and hopefully some of that spills back into this series soon...

Yesss looking forward to that! :D

:)

Cyberdevil 2021-10-19 04:16:37

Aaand age is a good thing hopefully. XD Experience! Skill! Feels like you do start accepting things easier too...

Cyberdevil 2021-10-19 04:17:02

Truly thorough commentary @Animetion24 !

AzureDragoonGX 2021-10-19 08:55:13

Hey @Mejson , looking at the updated news dialogue, it looks like we still have different ideas about that new line for Bott*. "You would know" is in response to Bill calling him and Mejson "Assholes". Bott* essentially says that it takes one to know one by saying in response, "you would know", indicating that he thinks Bill is kind of a prick as well.

Mejson 2021-10-19 10:05:43

@Cyberdevil, @Animetion24, @ChordC, @MariogD, @SayMeBott, I think we can close the scene :) Yes?

Along with @ChordC, we came up with a cool solution to avoid adding information about the previous part in the Main Menu or Information Screen with text. We will add a narrator (Plasmarift VA) who will tell you what happened. This solution can be seen in various series / movies.

@Animetion24, I think it's a challenge for you to write a narrative for this :) Of course if you want :)

Let it begin as the narrator says: "Previously in Reduce...". Of course, I am betting on your sense of length and detail based on the paper from Reduce 2 - Summary (MAP):
https://www.newgrounds.com/dump/item/a2c40b2a2724ea3a5d7ac38dbaf81bb3

Thank you in advance!

PS. I wrote to Plasmarift yesterday :) He wrote back that he is cool and he is looking forward to recording - he is still with us! He will be recording voice for: Mejson, Keni, Havoc, Rash, Bill, narrator.

MariogD 2021-10-19 11:18:59

@Mejson
why do you propose to close the scene when we still discuss it?

I understood that 'you would know' will be instead of point 3 'Bott* looks angry for a moment'. I am not convinced to this angry faces. We use them a lot,

@Animetion24 proposition is also fine. This addition 'you would know'after Bill's 'assholes' will show that even Bott has finite patience, when Bill is such a dick.

We can also stay with current option that 'I think Mejson and Bott* either ignored it or didn't hear it.'

Personally like @Animetion24 option not to ignore Bill's 'assholes'